I did a lot of mourning before.
I'm not surprised I'm not crying rivers. I'm not surprised that, actually, I'm sleeping pretty well since Monday.
Any and whatever emotional dysfunction / spiritual issue I might have in my life, BAM! My sleep is gone... For days, weeks, months even. This time? This time is different.
I'm still asking myself why am I feeling alright when I know the feeling is still here?
Am I in pain, at all?
I'm not.
And I know why.
Love is a motherfucking feeling. It's tricky as fuck. You might think you love someone for years until you breakup and after 3 months, you're done with the pain. Well, that's love as well. But a different kind.
I've learned few stuff during these 30 years of life.
I remember very well, back when I was 16 years old and had my first boyfriend. For 8 months he was my whole life. Loving him was painful. Well, I thought I loved him, at least.
Not long ago, I had a boyfriend, that later on became my husband. A piece of shit, honestly. Jesus! Can't say enough. But anyway, this guy I was together for 5 years made me think I loved him and needed him because, well, who else in the world would want me? (HAHA poor him, most of his friends did).
I did cry the next morning I broke up with him.
Yes, I did. But It was more like I was afraid of what life would bring me after that. He was my port, back in 2017. I cried on 28th October 2017 morning, and after that, not even one single tear.
Last year I loved someone for a short time.
It was potentially the man I would get married to. Potentially. Gladly it didn't happen. It was pretty strong, to be honest. And it could develop into something way bigger.
But people are passionate in fucking up, so, there you go. Closure in December, I needed that to get over it, and happened really fast.
And then, this last guy I was seeing for 7 months.
Everything ended for the same reason as the other ones. A third person.
I cried like there was no tomorrow. I really emptied my chest that night. All my demons came out through my tears, and if I remember well, I punched his chest saying "I love you, can't you understand?". What the fuck, right? Yeah, I don't know either. I didn't want to hurt him, at all, but the pain was so bad at that time, that... I probably said more than I ever should. Opened up too much, in a very vulnerable way, I guess.
What I mean with all that is the difference is pretty clear for me.
I had a nice and long talk with a friend of mine this Tuesday (11/06 - day we would be 7 months together, actually - not that it matters much but whatever). Told her everything, with details (Taurus with Virgo rising, no detail will ever escape hah) and the only thing she pointed, was actually something I never thought about.
The truth makes me feel comfortable.
It's way easier for me to accept once I get to know the truth.
I'm even able to forgive. Yes! And this is were I hold. Telling me truth is what matters the most.
It was such a long story that I soon lost the thread
Shame on me. Will keep writing later.
I'm not surprised I'm not crying rivers. I'm not surprised that, actually, I'm sleeping pretty well since Monday.
Any and whatever emotional dysfunction / spiritual issue I might have in my life, BAM! My sleep is gone... For days, weeks, months even. This time? This time is different.
I'm still asking myself why am I feeling alright when I know the feeling is still here?
Am I in pain, at all?
I'm not.
And I know why.
Love is a motherfucking feeling. It's tricky as fuck. You might think you love someone for years until you breakup and after 3 months, you're done with the pain. Well, that's love as well. But a different kind.
I've learned few stuff during these 30 years of life.
I remember very well, back when I was 16 years old and had my first boyfriend. For 8 months he was my whole life. Loving him was painful. Well, I thought I loved him, at least.
Not long ago, I had a boyfriend, that later on became my husband. A piece of shit, honestly. Jesus! Can't say enough. But anyway, this guy I was together for 5 years made me think I loved him and needed him because, well, who else in the world would want me? (HAHA poor him, most of his friends did).
I did cry the next morning I broke up with him.
Yes, I did. But It was more like I was afraid of what life would bring me after that. He was my port, back in 2017. I cried on 28th October 2017 morning, and after that, not even one single tear.
Last year I loved someone for a short time.
It was potentially the man I would get married to. Potentially. Gladly it didn't happen. It was pretty strong, to be honest. And it could develop into something way bigger.
But people are passionate in fucking up, so, there you go. Closure in December, I needed that to get over it, and happened really fast.
And then, this last guy I was seeing for 7 months.
Everything ended for the same reason as the other ones. A third person.
I cried like there was no tomorrow. I really emptied my chest that night. All my demons came out through my tears, and if I remember well, I punched his chest saying "I love you, can't you understand?". What the fuck, right? Yeah, I don't know either. I didn't want to hurt him, at all, but the pain was so bad at that time, that... I probably said more than I ever should. Opened up too much, in a very vulnerable way, I guess.
What I mean with all that is the difference is pretty clear for me.
I had a nice and long talk with a friend of mine this Tuesday (11/06 - day we would be 7 months together, actually - not that it matters much but whatever). Told her everything, with details (Taurus with Virgo rising, no detail will ever escape hah) and the only thing she pointed, was actually something I never thought about.
The truth makes me feel comfortable.
It's way easier for me to accept once I get to know the truth.
I'm even able to forgive. Yes! And this is were I hold. Telling me truth is what matters the most.
It was such a long story that I soon lost the thread
Shame on me. Will keep writing later.
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